Forty

Jeremy

Tristyn fell asleep about an hour ago.

I’ve just been watching her sleep as the movie plays on the television. I used to think my dad was crazy when he said that you know you’re in love when you can just sit with someone in silence, and just their presence is enough. That you know you love someone when you can just sit and feel at peace while you watch them sleep.

I think I’ve known for a while that I love Tristyn. I think I knew from the moment I saw her outside of the physical therapy clinic that there was something different about her. But at this moment, I’m sure.

I don’t think I can imagine a life without Tristyn and Henry in it.

It’s crazy, isn’t it, how you can go from not knowing them to loving them in a matter of months.

“What are you thinking about?” Tristyn’s words are groggy, her eyes barely open, as she stares at me.

“About how cute you are when you snore.” I brush my thumb along her cheek.

“I do not snore.” She jumps up.

“You do. Just a little.”

Tristyn’s shoulders relax as she studies the smile on my face.

“I liked waking up to you just now.”

“I like being here.”

She glances over my shoulder and squints at the clock on the oven.

“What time is it?”

“A little after two.”

“Two in the morning?” She gasps. “And you’re still awake?”

“I was enjoying the view.”

She looks away, brushing her hair off her face.

It’s not the entire truth. I have enjoyed just basking in this moment, but I’ve also been in pain for the last three hours.

It reminded me of when I used to have all the phantom feelings in my legs when I hadn’t regained my feeling yet, but each time I wiggled my feet and realized this wasn’t just some dream.

The pain didn’t go away, though. It’s only gotten worse.

She doesn’t need to know that. I don’t want to ruin this moment. This night.

“Should we head to bed?” Tristyn suggests.

“That sounds perfect.”

Tristyn kisses my cheek, stands up, and reaches out her hand. I grab it, wincing as I stand up.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m all good. Just sat for a long time.”

“And you had me lying on top of you, crushing you.”

“You didn’t crush me. It was nice. I would rather be in pain for the rest of my life if it meant waking up with you.”

“Who knew you were such a romantic?”

“Shut up.” I roll my eyes as she tugs on my hand, pulling me toward her room.

The second we walk through the door to her room, a wave of tension fills the air. I don’t know what she’s thinking, if us sleeping together tonight was even a thought in her mind, but suddenly the question hangs in the air. It’s not like I’ve never stayed over, but usually I fall asleep on the couch.

“Do you uh, sleep on a particular side, or um, uh—”

“Should we just talk about the elephant in the room?” Tristyn turns around, her hand leaving mine, as her hands clasp together behind her back.

“What elephant?”

“Sex. I know you’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve been thinking about it, but I don’t want it to be a thing.”

I raise an eyebrow, and she shakes her head.

“Like, I don’t want it to be this awkward lingering question hanging between us. I feel like the best thing to do is talk about it.”

“Talk about it?”

“Talk about it.”

“Okay.” I take a deep breath. “Then let’s talk.”

“Okay.” Tristyn sits on her bed, and I walk over and sit down next to her.

Silence fills the room; the only noise is the sound of her leg bouncing up and down.

“I don’t know how to start.” She forces a laugh. “It shouldn’t be weird, and it’s not, but it feels weird.”

“I was never the type of guy who slept around,” I begin. “I’m not a virgin, by any means, but it had been a while since I slept with someone. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you when I last slept with someone, and then the accident happened, and I didn’t know if it would even be a possibility. I didn’t know what it would look like, and I had gone so long without… that, that I just thought it wouldn’t be a road I’d head down.”

“And then you met me.”

“And then I met you, and the unknown became this huge weight. I didn’t know how my body would react, or if I’d be able to do anything, and I didn’t know how to explain to you that—”

“You were scared.”

“Yeah.” I scratch the back of my head. “Is that stupid? I just want it to be special, and I don’t want to mess it up.”

“You wouldn’t mess it up, Jeremy.” Tristyn clutches my hand, giving it a nice, long squeeze. “It being with you is what would make it special. Nothing else. Just you.”

That weight disappears in a matter of seconds.

“I also have never been one to sleep around,” she continues. “After my relationship with Henry’s dad ended, officially, that is, the thought of getting into another relationship, especially one that could end up like that one did, just wasn’t worth it.”

Tristyn stares at the wall in front of us; the pace of her bouncing leg picks up. I pull my hand out of hers and place it on her leg; the bouncing slows down.

“I also had Henry to look out for now. So, I would go on dates, but I would constantly use Henry as an excuse. Whether they found out about him or not, I would use being a single mom as a way to run the other direction. Then I met you.”

“And then you met me.”

She finally looks at me again.

“You found out about Henry before we even went on our first date, and you didn’t care. And maybe if I hadn’t seen the way you interacted with him, I wouldn’t have believed you, but I did see you with him. And then after our first date, you wanted to do something with Henry, and I finally knew what it was like to have someone other than Vince care about my son and me. But that doesn’t mean the idea of sleeping together still doesn’t scare the hell out of me.”

“That’s fair.”

“In a lot of ways, I’ve already given you my heart. And not only my heart, but the heart of the most important person in my life. The thought of being completely all in is terrifying. You already have so much power to break my heart, I just hope you won’t.”

“I won’t.”

“You can’t promise me that.”

“Yeah, I can. And I am. I love you, Tristyn. I love you in a way I never imagined possible. Hell, I love you when I thought I was going to be the person who went through their life watching all of their friends fall in love and get married, start families, while I just… lived. But then I met you and suddenly my life was full of all these new possibilities.”

I turn my entire body toward Tristyn, leaning forward and cupping her face in my hands.

“I love you. And I love Henry. And I love the person I’ve become since I’ve met you. You came into my world and put what is truly important into perspective. So, I promise you, I will spend every day loving you and Henry and doing everything in my power to make sure I never disappoint you or hurt you.”

This is scarier than our conversation about sex. I’ve never said those words to a girl before. The only people in my life who have heard those words from me are my family and close friends.

Now she holds all the power. I don’t need her to say it back because she feels obligated to. I want to hear her say it because she feels the same way I do.

The room is quiet again, except this time, instead of the bouncing of her leg filling the void, it’s my heart thumping out of my chest.

“Ditto.” She grins as her eyes well up with tears. She lets out a small laugh as her hands rest over mine. “I love you so much. More than I thought humanly possible. But more importantly, I love how you love Henry. You will never understand what that means to me.”

I pull her towards me, threading my fingers through her hair as our lips meet. In so many ways, it feels like we’re kissing for the first time. Her lips are soft and warm and taste like salt from her tears mixing into our lips.

My hands travel down her back, and I feel the shivers travel up her spine. I wrap my hands around her waist, pulling her closer to me, our chests pressed together.

We pull apart, our foreheads resting against one another.

“Well,” I huff out a breath, “glad we have that in common.”

Tristyn’s laugh echoes off the walls of her bedroom.

“Ditto.”